Tan Envy

Today's Question: Why does tanning have so many negatives, yet I still regard it as a positive?

We all know that sun light (artificial or natural) is harmful to our skin, yet we live in a society that worships the tan and shuns the pasty.

For good reason! Tan people look slimmer and smoother. It is harder to spot blemishes and cellulite. And I am pretty sure tan people are happier and live more fulfilling lives (as long as they stay clear of that slight nuisance--cancer). This is not scientifically proven... Yet... But I am sure some scientist, somewhere is all over that study.

There are tanning salons all over this tiny town and they all scream my name! I want to tan SO bad, but I can't pick up another unhealthy lifestyle choice. (Diet Coke is already a cancer carrier and drains my wallet daily.)

This wasn't always the case, though!

Once upon a time I did a spray tan my sophomore year for prom and came out the spitting image of an oompa loompa. Orange, streaky and splotchy. I was utterly embarrassed and swore off all artificial tanning. (I do hear that spray tans have come a long way from 2005, but I still don't trust them.)

Then my senior year I started a "base tan" for prom. My BFF convinced me tanning this one time for 2 weeks would not hurt me and would be well worth it for the pictures. I agreed and the first time I went in a tanning bed, (on the suggestion of the tanning lady and by BFF), I went in a level 2 bed for 10 minutes...

You can only imagine the horrible life choice that turned out to be...

I was a lobster. I couldn't move. Couldn't wear anything but loose fitting shirts and pajama pants and I actually missed a day of school because I was so miserable. It was such a scarring experience that I swore off tanning beds for life.

Fast forward to two summers ago.... I lost 50 pounds and LOVED WEARING SHORTS!!!!!! (Normally I wore jeans in the Oklahoma heat because shorts weren't all that flattering) I also began to wear dresses and skirts and all of those wonderful summer outfits that.... Well... SHOW OFF MY PASTY (but skinny) LEGS!!!!

In an attempt to reverse the pastiness, I invested in Jergins tanning lotion. No sun required and it was controlled. My mom swore by the product.. And for the first few weeks it was great. I was darker and looking sexier in all my outfits! I loved it, and the extra bonus-- there was no cancer risk!

Then, one evening, I was at a friend's house hanging out when someone pointed at my legs and said, "What happened?"

We were outside and the natural sunlight was exposing my fake tan... I looked like I had smeared red clay up and down my legs. Crap. Apparently the every day application was not working anymore and I was mortified. I said, "Oh, I don't know! Weird...."

Later that night I consulted with some of my tanner sorority sisters to see what their secret was.... Two words. Tanning Beds. DANG IT! I don't want to burn alive again! But they said if I started with smaller times and in a lower bed, I could avoid the burning... At this point I didn't give 2 marbles about cancer and wanted the golden tan more than ever!

The next day I signed up for a month of unlimited tanning and told my mom it was for recruitment. (She could still vividly recall all the details of my senior year boil experience and wasn't convinced I could handle tanning beds again.) Against Doli's wishes and advice, I started out tanning in a Level one bed for 7 minutes with my new tanning lotion.

After a week I moved up to Level 2 and did 9 minutes... The longer the time, the better the nap I was able to take in the warm tanning beds. It was addicting! Not only did I smell like the beach, get a nap in, and come out browner, but I actually felt PRETTIER! Absolutely nuts!

As recruitment approached, I knew that my tanning journey would end. I couldn't justify the expense, the time, or the risk of tanning beyond the argument, "Tan people are prettier and live happier lives!" After recruitment, I stopped tanning and didn't do any artificial tanning the next year. I endured the pasty, pale life.

Now, as another summer creeps closer, I am trying on shorts and bathing suites again... As I stare in the mirror, all I can think about is being tan again. My mom is still pushing the "tan in a can" method, but I am not willing to have the leprosy look from 2 years ago.... And tanning beds are not an option. Oh and I get easily bored with the old fashioned method of "laying out."

So I think I am going to hold out for tans to become uncool again. Remember the good old days when pasty was in and tan was out?? Let's go back to that...

We can call the movement, "Going Pale."

Anyone with me?